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Mat Wooller and Marilyn, Artists, Mariposa, CA 2021
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“Marilyn,
My experience has been beer first,
friends and family connections next, and let collaborations evolve.
Jim”
James Ehleringer, Univ. of Utah
Last week, Mat Wooller, a former postdoctoral
fellow and current friend, traveled all the way from cool Fairbanks, Alaska, to
spend a week in hot Mariposa, California. I was eagerly anticipating his visit
as restrictions began to lift from the pandemic and we’d been vaccinated. Our
last time together was in summer 2017, when my family traveled to Alaska and
our families enjoyed fun times together going on walks, canoeing, sharing meals.
Mat and his wife Diane O’Brien are prime examples of people who started out as
colleagues and ended up as friends. Not only do we have many funny science
stories to share, but also we share in the day-to-day triumphs and challenges
of being human in a world where kindness and respect can be elusive.
Friend: one attached to another by affection or esteem
She's my best friend.
b : acquaintance
2a : one that is not hostile Is he a friend
or an enemy?
b : one that is of the same nation, party,
or group showbiz friends
3 : one that favors or promotes something (such as a charity) The
friends of the library will host a fund-raiser.
4 : a favored companion
Colleague: an
associate or coworker typically in a profession or in a civil or ecclesiastical
office and often of similar rank or status : a fellow worker or professional. First
recorded in 1515–25; from Middle French collegue, from Latin collēga, equivalent
to col- “with, together” + -lēga, derivative of legere “to choose, gather.”
Those who begin as a
colleague but end up a friend—let’s call them “Frolleagues”.
Frolleague: a person who began as a
colleague and through shared experiences and conversation became a friend.
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Wooller and me, Alaska, 2009
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Extreme dining, Belize 2005
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As I travel along the journey of living with
ALS, friends and Frolleagues have become more important to me than ever before. It’s
not enough to be born, grow old, suffer, then die—and never has been good
enough. Reaching out and sharing life with all of its joys and challenges makes
my journey more meaningful. Friends make it, not only tolerable, but actually
fun.
When I asked the stable isotope community of
scientists to send me stories about their friendly colleagues—no one answered!
Usually, this group is eager to contribute stories about their lives. I realized
I needed to probe further by writing directly to people I knew had forged
special bonds going from colleague to friend. Some basic—and important—themes
evolved.
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Marilyn and Sue Ziegler, DC, 2016
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Sharon Billings (Univ. of Kansas) and Sue
Ziegler (Memorial Univ. link) came immediately to mind. Sue and Sharon
shared early career life at the Univ. of Arkansas, where they worked as
stable isotope biogeoscientists while becoming parents. The bonding over
babies, meals, family trips has lasted and bolstered their lives and careers.
Sharon:
We [Sue Ziegler and I] have shared the joys and sorrows encountered when
designing and implementing tracer experiments in the lab and field, and natural
abundance studies using field samples. We’ve shared horribly embarrassing
stories of how we’ve messed up in the lab, mistakenly said the opposite of what
we knew to be true in front of senior stable isotope-oriented colleagues
because of nerves, navigated the treacherous waters of starting careers as
women in a male-dominated field, and counseled each other on how to deal with
sticky situations in strong, confident ways without being jerks. We have stayed
up much of the night painstakingly preparing isotopically labeled pine needles
for inclusion in decomposition studies. We have probably caused a
redistribution of 13C and 15N on the planet by purchasing
many jars of 99.99% 13C-glucose and 15N-nitrate--all
while knowing deep in our hearts that any topic worth study must be part of an
iso-topic!
Sue: There is something quite special
with frolleagues and I feel so very fortunate to have you two [Sharon and me]
as such in my life!! The adventures Sharon so nicely described are typically
laced with an amazing giddiness that comes with deep-seated mutual interest in
the work, work that can seem like play really. I recall some moments
during a first visit to some of the NLBELT (Newfoundland-Labrador) field sites
when we just couldn’t stop smiling and laughing. It was an amazing sense of
pleasure - like we felt we couldn’t be any more fortunate! We were exploring
new sites and setting up field experiments to address question we enjoyed
thinking about. You both have enabled me to have so much joy in this work we
do!!
Food is often the cornerstone of budding
friendships. At Carnegie, I participated in the daily Lunch Club and
Friday Beer Hour. In DC and at UC Merced and Riverside, Chris and I often
hosted large gatherings of colleagues that revolved around potluck dinners,
BBQs, picnics, or restaurants. In the early days, food preparations weren’t as
important as just getting together outside of the lab. Add some beer and wine,
pass the whiskey bottle, and you’ve got folks who loosen up, talk about their
lives and families, and open up to knowing others.
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Paul Koch, Matt McCarthy, Seth, 2019
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Paul Koch (The Dean of
Science @ UC Santa Cruz) has built a lab culture that is revered by his
students and others. “A positive sign is that the lab
served as an attractor. We have pretty much always had groupies/adopted
members."
Justin Yeakel (UC Merced): When I think
back to Santa Cruz days, backyard BBQs always seemed to be happening, and
talk would range across all sorts of topics, usually non-science related
for the first half of the evening, but as the fire burned low, the plates
stacked in the sink, and a bottle of scotch passed around, the talk would veer
towards giant squids, coyotes, sharks, and mole rats.
When I first arrived in Santa Cruz in
2004, I was really amazed that everyone in the lab spent time together outside
of the lab. I think one of the first big get-togethers was at Sora's house - I
remember her parents being there as well as Katie Snell's family. It was a big
picnic, and having just moved across the country for the first time, it felt a
lot like family picnics from home. These grad students were so impressive to me
with all of their cool projects covering such a wide range of critters,
landscapes, and time periods. It became a pretty easy decision early on to
follow that path after 2 years of being the Koch Lab Monkey. I was also drawn
to Paul's willingness to allow his students to follow their own interests and
ideas. Being able to be part of that group during that period of time was one
of the most exciting and formative periods of my life, and I'm thankful that
I've been able to stay close to so many friends and colleagues that I met
during that time!”
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Justin and Paul, 2004
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Seth as youngster, 2004
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Seth
Newsome (Univ. New Mexico): Once in a while the Koch Lab took the show on the
road and would hike our goods (and kegs) into the Sierra Nevada forest in the
middle of winter to spend a weekend at a cabin. I share one story about a trip
to the Dartmouth alumni cabin near Tahoe one winter. Justin and I made a huge
pot of inexpensive chili to feed the 20 people that ended up crashing in the
~1200 ft2 cabin that night. Justin mistakenly switched the amount of chili
powder and cayenne in the recipe so we ended up with a very spicy, very large,
nearly inedible pot of chili for the crowd. This was great going down with
copious amounts of beer, but it didn't lie well with our collective
gastrointestinal tracts such that when we woke up, we had to open up all the
doors and windows on a very cold winter morning to air the place out prior to
breakfast.
Getting to know the whole family is an important step. We have always invited the spouses and kids to our social gatherings.
Sometimes, it takes awhile for them to get used to the camaraderie of the lab
people, but family members have a greater understanding of the people involved
in their partners work life. I believe this has a positive impact on work-life
balance.
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Y2K with Cody, Filley, Tuross, George families
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with Shuhei Ono and son, 2005
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Sampling party, 2002
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Talking about non-science topics is necessary. Sharing books, movies, TV shows, travel adventures, hikes, and
restaurant suggestions opens up windows into who a person is outside of their
identity as a colleague. Often, politics and religion are topics that are
debated, particularly when you get a glimmer of how a person leans (e.g., Left
vs. Right). It would be impossible to become a real “friend” without knowing
what makes that person tick in a more rounded way.
Sora
Kim (UC Merced): “Maybe foundational to wanting to eat food and listen to music
together was that we didn’t always talk about work with results, manuscript
progress, etc. Those things made it into conversation, but we also talked about
a lot of other things, too. Paul was willing to share his time and energy to
hang out more casually. This is something I struggle with as a PI with two
young kids, especially with the restrictions related to the pandemic. One
memory I have from grad school is a time after Paul bought us a nice stainless
steel carafe coffee maker. He found a website called babynames.com
and we would spend 10-15 minutes in the morning just looking up the trends of
baby names through time. Totally not stable isotope related, but a way to spend
some time and laughs together.
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Sora Kim, 2005
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Seth
Newsome: I shared an apartment with several members of the Koch lab (Mark
Clementz, Gabe Bowen, Justin Yeakel) so living together certainly helps forge
friendships. But more than that I would say casual and consistent socializing
was something that the Koch lab was quite fond of (and probably still is). Our
socializing revolved around food, which we took very seriously. For one, it was
sometimes hard to procure enough sustenance living in Santa Cruz on a TAship
wage, so we often pooled our resources and had parties highlighted by Justin’s
enormous pan pizzas, delicious and endless amounts of Korean food handcrafted
by Sora Kim, or big pots of pasta served up by yours truly.
Listening and accepting often follow. Anyone’s life can feel
isolated; for scientists who keep their heads down and their eyes focused on
details, it can feel especially so. We are constantly judged by our peers for
our data, our publications, our methodologies, our ideas, our teaching, and our
grants. Barely a week goes by without some form of rejection or conflict. Having
colleagues to work things out can save a career. Establishing trust takes
time—but it’s vital.
Sora
Kim: “I often tell people that their grad adviser and group are the most
crucial elements to their success. There are high points (i.e., results,
publishing, graduating) but there are a lot more low and rocky points. I think
what is important in the Koch “family” is that we have deep enough
relationships and trust that we can weather these low points and even turn to
one another for support. I feel very fortunate that my connections to the Koch
lab extend so far in time. “
Laughter often seals the deal—frolleagues are born!
Allowing yourself to kick back, be in the moment, and celebrate the positive
can be powerful. The phrase “what happens in XXX, stays in XXX” often signals a
good time.
Brian Popp (Univ. of Hawaii): “Walking to the river at the Organic
Geochemistry Gordon conference after Matt McCarthy poured the bottle of wine
over your head and jumping into the river with varying bathing costumes.”
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with Jolly Chuck Douthitt, Carnegie, 2016
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Frolleague map
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Continuing to keep in touch and reach out to new people along the way serves to keep things
fresh. The Geochem Girls (me, Hilairy Hartnett, Kate Freeman, Liz Sikes, and
Liz Canuel) meet at big meetings that can be isolating and impersonal.
Kate Freeman (Penn State):
I have attended AGU for many, many years, but found myself increasingly
isolated and lacking a peer group. This was compounded by the explosive growth
in size of the meeting, which prevented finding friendly companions by chance
as the dinner hour approached. I had started to schedule dinners with Liz
Canuel. We have known each other from our mutual connections to Stuart Wakeham
and sometimes we have shared a room at the Organic Geochemistry Gordon Research
Conferences. At some point we linked up with Liz Sikes, who was more of an
acquaintance but whose science I have followed since her early work on
alkenones. I first got to know the delightful Hilairy Hartnett at a NASA
proposal review panel some years ago, although I had long taught her work in my
classes, and learned later that she was a close friend of Liz Sikes. I recall
we agreed with enthusiasm that Marilyn had to join us for a dinner, which led
to the memorable Farm meal.
Our annual meals have completely
transformed my AGU experience for the better!”
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AGU 2019
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Hilairy Hartnett (Arizona State Univ.): The fall of 2015, dinner
was planned for a great restaurant that Liz Sikes and I had tried out the year
before (I remember a small place with interesting upholstered chairs). Liz always
has a reservation for four so it was no problem to spirit you away from the
Biogeosciences section meeting. The difficulty was in convincing you that you
could leave the meeting you were chairing! Dinner was lovely and as I recall
it, the three of you asked me very pointed questions about my research, my
career status, and my (then notional) plans for promotion. Desert was single
malt scotch.”
Liz Sikes (Rutgers): “One thing I can add to the memory of the dinner
with Kate, Marilyn, & Hilairy, that started with the Uber ride to the restaurant
(I had barely heard of Uber and there we were with Marilyn rocking it!!)--is
that I was struggling with my promotion to full professor at the time.
Marilyn and Kate, the higher ranked professors at the table, volunteered to
look at my statement so I sent it. My favorite line from Marilyn's
assessment was "Where's the beef?" She really tore into what was a
rather boring statement-- and after that my case flew through with flying
colors. The friendship was cemented.”
Liz Canuel (VIMS): Female friendships
are incredibly important to me and dinners at meetings as well as our
“quarantini” get togethers during the pandemic have been a tremendous joy.
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Yosemite with Chris and Mat, 2021
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I often sum all of these “Frolleague”
characteristics up with the line—“Don’t work with assholes.” Yes, that’s a bit
vulgar, but everyone knows what it means. Sometimes, we get drawn into
situations or collaborations with people who won’t go that extra step, take
themselves too seriously, and don’t respect our human condition.
Are Frolleagues better than mentors? Maybe so.
The casual nature of a friendly relationship has, for me, a greater power to
fortify and help than any mentorship I have received. I’ll guess it’s the
feelings of trust, respect, and acceptance that friends provide, which can
transform the human condition to purpose and resilience.
Make new Frolleagues, but keep the Old. One is
silver and the other gold.
