Still crazy after all these years...Mariposa, 2019 |
“Be occupied with or
focused on things and issues that are of interest, importance, and concern to
you. Remain passionately involved in them.” Morrie Schwartz
Today I took possession of a machine that sits on a small
table next to my bed. There are plastic hoses attached to it and a set of
straps that fits over my head. The straps hold a small mask that fits over my
nose. When the machine is ON, it
will provide extra puffs of air to expand my lungs to full capacity when I’m
sleeping. Even though the mask doesn’t cover my mouth, when the machine is on
I’m unable to talk.
It will take willpower to get used to this thing. I’ll give it
my best shot.
It’s been a hell of a roller coaster couple of weeks. I’m
now a Lame Duck faculty member. When I left my last two positions at the Geophysical
Lab and UC Merced, I remained in touch for a year, keeping instruments going,
people happy and employed. Having two jobs at a time is real work—make no
mistake. I’m trying this time to have a smoother transition into retirement. If
I follow Morrie’s advice, which I do whenever possible, I need to keep focused.
I am. And will continue to be.
What makes this more difficult than it should be is subtle. I was very close to losing something very important (and dear) to making my last days as a professor important and relevant. When I had to ponder that potential loss for several days, it made me realize even more that I can’t fight all the battles and solve all the problems that were the hallmark of my persona for the past 40 years.
“Just let it go. Inch
by inch. Just let it go. Inch by inch. One day you’ll see.” India Arie
I’ve been given a reprieve—but this was a wakeup call. What
has been important and concerning to me is necessarily going to change. I am
thankful to have the opportunity to close out my time at the University as best
as I can manage.
“Resist the temptation
to think of yourself as useless…Find your own ways of being and feeling
useful.”
It’s a constant struggle beginning each and every day to
find ways of being useful that don't completely exhaust me. Forget all physical
activities—I need help with everything. Mentally, I’ve got to pull things
together.
I was asked last week by a student how the hell I managed to
build a lab, start an Institute, move to a new city, teach, write grants, and
have a life with the overwhelming burden of ALS. I answered that it took
planning and breaking these tasks down into small manageable bits. I’ve never
been a person who is “overwhelmed”. Chris and I are pretty steady, get-shit-done
sort of people. We’ve been getting shit done. The conversation made me realize
that I need to take stock of what I have accomplished and start to think of the
next phase. What does “useful” look like in my future?
I can order food from Amazon for my 92-year-old mother, but
I can’t buy her fresh milk, as she’s in New Jersey. I can buy birthday presents
online, but it ain’t easy to stroll through shops and pick things out. I can
find easy, tasty recipes online for Chris and I to cook, but I can’t put a
baking dish in the oven. I can mix Manhattans (bourbon and vermouth with a
cherry), but I can’t drink more than half of one. I can read, correct grammar,
and suggest editorial changes, but the time is over for starting anything new.
I can help save for his college education! Sheri, Mike, and baby Travis (my nephews) |
I can write my feelings down in this blog. You readers help
me when you read and comment. It makes me feel useful.
“Don’t assume that
it’s too late to become involved or to redirect your interests.” Morrie
Schwartz
When I faced the possibility of shrinking my final University
aspirations, it became very real that I need to take more effort to redirect my
interests. July will be here before I know it. The Institute will either go into
mothballs for a year, or someone will step in (and up) and see that it
continues. I’ll easily transition off any faculty committees. (I’d be weird if
that weren’t the case.) The final remaining piece is the laboratory. I’ll need
to say good-bye, leave it to others who can figure things out.
At lunch with a friend last week, she asked how my painting
was coming along. She’s a painter herself—and quite a good one with stunning
abstracts that pop out with color and feeling. I mentioned how it was harder to
hold a brush, couldn’t reach far, etc. She listened patiently and hoped I’d
figure it out, in so many words. I will.
Chris and I need to figure out the travel piece, which is a
movable target. Come July, we’ll host family for a couple weeks, then time will
yawn on. We’re hoping to spend long times on the coast at Sea Ranch. Reading
books, calling friends, and breathing fresh sea air.
Our friends are stepping up. In mid-February, we’ll be hosting two old friends that I’ve known since Chris and I met and a former student/postdoc and her husband. They’ll join us on the Mariposa “campus” helping making meals, helping schlepp me to Yosemite or wildlife refuges in the Valley. I hope they’ll contribute to Morrie’s next bit of advice.
“Take in as much joy
as you can whenever and however you can. You may find it in unpredictable
places and situations.” Morrie Schwartz
I tell my mother every time we talk, “Remember, laughter is
your best medicine!” I gotta have this on my mind every day. ALS medications do
a bit, but it’s that laughter and lightness that makes the day tolerable.
Chris and I watch funny movies, tell stupid Dad jokes, quote
Monty Python, and try how we might to keep laughing. I will do this. We will
make these days as laughter filled as we can. If there are some troubling
times, I will remind myself of Morrie’s sage advice to find joy in new places.
And when I concentrate on things like the Salton Sea, the
triple quad mass spectrometer and mass fragments, painting, hosting, and
laughing, I’ll try to conquer that damn breathing machine so I can laugh as
loud as I possibly can.
Can’t wait to see you Marilyn- we have lots of stories to remember and new ones to make! Xo
ReplyDeleteJust please no karaoke!! :)
DeleteLook as long as u can think and communicate in some way i need you. Im compiling a high school students knowledge on kelp and have many ideas to discuss. U can uf willing join my brain in thoughts it would be so wonderful.
ReplyDelete